Dolls I mean, Action Figures...

A few days ago, we were in Target looking for a birthday gift for a Superman's kid. To cut to the chase, we got little Supe Jenga. We figured, he's six. He'll enjoy knocking the tower down.

For my amusement, I took a few surreptitious photos of some boy dolls, I mean action figures.
I mean, look at this shit. It's so damn stereotypical and gender specific. None of this sensitive "My Buddy" doll crap, right? Remember the creepy "My Buddy" doll fromthe 80's? Anyways, I don't watch WWE so I have no idea if this represents a real dude in real life. Behold, "Fist Poundin' Sheamus". Check out his stereid induced bulging biceps. His douchebag goatee and soul patch. His redneck pompadour. Methinks the Tennessee Waterfall is hiding in the back. And of course, the rock hard six pack.

Okay, now exactly who is this doll (the one on the left) geared towards? Is this the gay best friend of the goth chick doll?

Pause.

Some quick googling reveals that this is a series of dolls from "Monster High". This is the "Gloom Beach" series. So, the waify boy doll is "Jackson Jekyll". Love the beach ball prop and the hideous muscle shirt and checkered board shorts. Like you'd ever really see a goth/emo boy wearing that get up and exposing his skin at the beach. The girl doll's name is "Dracalaura". Man, who was the genius who thought of this? I can't imagine my daughter playing with these things.

Oh yeah, we hit the jackpot right here...

This is the "Ultimate Boyfriend" (as seen on his shirt as well), "Sweet Talkin' Ken"!!!! You can actually record phrases and Ken will repeat them ad nauseam until your ears explode. I see some potential verbal abuse here. In a funny way too. Kind of like when you could make Teddy Ruxpin scream out Judas Priest or Iron Maiden songs by adding your own cassette tape in his back! Or like trying to spell bad words with the "Speak and Spell". I was always disappointed that it would never say "Punk ass Motherfucker" in that robotic voice.

"Hey Barbie, do these jeans make my ass look fat? Let's go shopping girlfriend!"
(C'mon, we all know that Barbie is really Ken's BEARD!)

And of course, gotta throw this in. Ripe and ready for an avalanche of marketing for the upcoming "Thor".  In this case, this version is the "Lightning Power Thor". Come on all you fanboys,  isn't Chris Hemsworth dreamy?????? Uhhhh, not.

"Thor is the sworn protector of both Earth and Asgard. With his hammer Mjolnir in his hand there is nothing that can stand in his way. To battle against villains he calls upon the full strength of his mighty arms and the full power of lightning.

Even the very toughest opponents are no match for you and your Thor figure! When enemies approach, press his belt to unleash flashing lights and electronic phrases, like “I am Thor!” and “Feel the might of my hammer!” If the villains aren’t yet quaking in fear, use his snap-on “lightning” launcher to send “bolts” flying in their direction. With that kind of firepower and your figure’s mighty muscles, you’re sure to win the fight!" (info from the hasbrotoyshop website)

Of course Bert just had to try on Thor's Helmet!!!!  (Cough) Nerd (Cough)!

Hey, I read on Yahoo News that Chris Hemsworth got too buff for the role and couldn't fit into his Thor suit. In fact, it was so tight it cut off circulation! I wasn't as surprised to know this as much as knowing that Kenneth Branagh is directing!

Anyways, that was my little foray into the world of boy's toys. Don't even get me started on the girly crap they have out there.

Before signing off, here's a blast from the past, the original "My Buddy" commercial from 1985:

Doesn't the song make you want to stick red hot knitting needles in your ears? Sounds like a kid that's trying to do a "Broadway" showtunes kind of voice.

I think this doll...

was the precursor to this one!!!

Yes, Chucky LeRay from the "Child's Play" series. The first one was the best.

Anyways, can't wait to hit up the toy section again for more hilarious hijinks. Watch out Wal-Mart!